I am the stupidest. Let's just make that transparently clear (cragoe-ism) from the beginning.
i'm co-leading a teen small group (house church) for the summer. it's my second year doing this. last night we were discussing how to relinquish control of what is in reality God's anyway and targeting our specific problem areas. we all committed to focusing on that problem area and making strides toward giving complete control to God as we try to be good stewards this next week.
i decided that in order to be a good steward of my time, which quite honestly i horde as mine completely every minute of the year with the exception of the occasional camp (one of which i just returned from last friday), i needed to devote one act a day (big step, i know) for the benefit of another person - exclusively. i'm going through a little bit of a lull at work (ok, more like a cavernous gap of complete nothingness), so i figure instead of surfing, emailing or otherwise squandering countless hours while being paid to breathe (sadly, i've long since gotten over any trace of guilt regarding this), i probably can handle one act of selflessness. i was fairly excited about this plan of attack when i went to bed last night. did i mention i'm suffering from an extreme lack of sleep as those five days of devoting my waking (and blurry-eyed trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night) hours to the mantra "camp is for the camper" have taken their toll?
i got to work this morning, not completely forgetting about my assignment for the day but not doing anything in particular to fulfill it until lunch time. i asked my coworker if she wanted to get something for lunch "together," which always ends up as a trip to a fast-food place and returning to eat in my office between hurried bites and attempts to answer the phone with full mouths of food since she's the receptionist, and i'm her back-up. hence, we can never really "go to lunch" anywhere but the office. she accepted the offer, and i mentioned that i was already quite hungry, and it was only 11:30. i usually opt for lunch at noon. she mentioned that she was also hungry, and we started to ponder lunch options. during the course of our over-the-phone-though-we're-10-steps-from-each-others'-desks conversation, i offered to help her out with any projects she had since i had exactly one thing to do in the office today. she regretfully informed me she also had only a few things to do, none of which i was really able to help with.
then it happened. 20 minutes later, my coworker got a visit from a friend who asked her to go to lunch. she asked if she could change plans, and i said that it was fine. i asked when she wanted to go, and she said probably right then, which was ten till noon. i was thinking about my growling stomach and how i usually go at noon and had told my parents i couldn't wait till 12:30 to eat because i'm usually starving by then, but i still said it was okay (commence debilitating martyr complex). she promised it wouldn't be too long, since they wouldn't go anywhere "fancy." i chalked it up as my "one good deed" for the day and started counting down the minutes to a half an hour (which is technically our allotted time for lunch, though everyone knows that if you have someone to go with, you're going to be gone longer than that). as a matter of fact, every day when i go to lunch i take about 45 minutes. i figure that goes for my afternoon 15-minute OSHA-mandated break, right? and the morning break is covered by my walking in 5-15 minutes late every morning.
soooooo ... it came around to 1:03 and i was sure she was going to get back any second. then our other lobby secretary informed me she was going to be leaving and that our receptionist "should be back soon, right?" i sure hoped so. i really had to go to the bathroom. by 1:15, i was contemplating going to our office manager and begging to be able to go to lunch but didn't really want to mention that our receptionist had been gone for an hour and a half. so, in the true spirit of selflessness and servanthood, i sat in my office fuming until i decided i at least had to go to the bathroom before she came back. i felt a little better but not much. then, at 1:35, i finally heard our receptionist answer the phone out front. praise the lord! and though i never say that facetiously, i think we all know at that point i was just a tad spiteful.
as i returned from my 10-minute rude mental dialogue-filled trip to arby's, during which the drive-thru employee dropped my change on the ground and didn't do anything about it, i sat down to continue ruing the painful events of the afternoon. and i was trying to be helpful! couldn't she just have called to say "oh, sorry, we actually did end up going somewhere fancy, so maybe you want to ask if you can go to lunch before your stomach eats itself." then it hit me. it's not like God said this whole commitment thing was going to be easy, and that everyone i would try to help would be completely cooperative. He didn't even promise that i would get immediate fulfillment and joy from my sacrifice. (what, my cavalier attitude of "selflessness" isn't enough to merit an outpouring of gratitude and blessing from God? wouldn't He want to make it as easy as possible so He could keep benefitting from my great sacrifices???)
ugh. sometimes it is just so painful to be who you are.
i'm co-leading a teen small group (house church) for the summer. it's my second year doing this. last night we were discussing how to relinquish control of what is in reality God's anyway and targeting our specific problem areas. we all committed to focusing on that problem area and making strides toward giving complete control to God as we try to be good stewards this next week.
i decided that in order to be a good steward of my time, which quite honestly i horde as mine completely every minute of the year with the exception of the occasional camp (one of which i just returned from last friday), i needed to devote one act a day (big step, i know) for the benefit of another person - exclusively. i'm going through a little bit of a lull at work (ok, more like a cavernous gap of complete nothingness), so i figure instead of surfing, emailing or otherwise squandering countless hours while being paid to breathe (sadly, i've long since gotten over any trace of guilt regarding this), i probably can handle one act of selflessness. i was fairly excited about this plan of attack when i went to bed last night. did i mention i'm suffering from an extreme lack of sleep as those five days of devoting my waking (and blurry-eyed trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night) hours to the mantra "camp is for the camper" have taken their toll?
i got to work this morning, not completely forgetting about my assignment for the day but not doing anything in particular to fulfill it until lunch time. i asked my coworker if she wanted to get something for lunch "together," which always ends up as a trip to a fast-food place and returning to eat in my office between hurried bites and attempts to answer the phone with full mouths of food since she's the receptionist, and i'm her back-up. hence, we can never really "go to lunch" anywhere but the office. she accepted the offer, and i mentioned that i was already quite hungry, and it was only 11:30. i usually opt for lunch at noon. she mentioned that she was also hungry, and we started to ponder lunch options. during the course of our over-the-phone-though-we're-10-steps-from-each-others'-desks conversation, i offered to help her out with any projects she had since i had exactly one thing to do in the office today. she regretfully informed me she also had only a few things to do, none of which i was really able to help with.
then it happened. 20 minutes later, my coworker got a visit from a friend who asked her to go to lunch. she asked if she could change plans, and i said that it was fine. i asked when she wanted to go, and she said probably right then, which was ten till noon. i was thinking about my growling stomach and how i usually go at noon and had told my parents i couldn't wait till 12:30 to eat because i'm usually starving by then, but i still said it was okay (commence debilitating martyr complex). she promised it wouldn't be too long, since they wouldn't go anywhere "fancy." i chalked it up as my "one good deed" for the day and started counting down the minutes to a half an hour (which is technically our allotted time for lunch, though everyone knows that if you have someone to go with, you're going to be gone longer than that). as a matter of fact, every day when i go to lunch i take about 45 minutes. i figure that goes for my afternoon 15-minute OSHA-mandated break, right? and the morning break is covered by my walking in 5-15 minutes late every morning.
soooooo ... it came around to 1:03 and i was sure she was going to get back any second. then our other lobby secretary informed me she was going to be leaving and that our receptionist "should be back soon, right?" i sure hoped so. i really had to go to the bathroom. by 1:15, i was contemplating going to our office manager and begging to be able to go to lunch but didn't really want to mention that our receptionist had been gone for an hour and a half. so, in the true spirit of selflessness and servanthood, i sat in my office fuming until i decided i at least had to go to the bathroom before she came back. i felt a little better but not much. then, at 1:35, i finally heard our receptionist answer the phone out front. praise the lord! and though i never say that facetiously, i think we all know at that point i was just a tad spiteful.
as i returned from my 10-minute rude mental dialogue-filled trip to arby's, during which the drive-thru employee dropped my change on the ground and didn't do anything about it, i sat down to continue ruing the painful events of the afternoon. and i was trying to be helpful! couldn't she just have called to say "oh, sorry, we actually did end up going somewhere fancy, so maybe you want to ask if you can go to lunch before your stomach eats itself." then it hit me. it's not like God said this whole commitment thing was going to be easy, and that everyone i would try to help would be completely cooperative. He didn't even promise that i would get immediate fulfillment and joy from my sacrifice. (what, my cavalier attitude of "selflessness" isn't enough to merit an outpouring of gratitude and blessing from God? wouldn't He want to make it as easy as possible so He could keep benefitting from my great sacrifices???)
ugh. sometimes it is just so painful to be who you are.
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