something hit me sunday night. and i don't think i was high on sulfur. i was journaling for the millionth time about what it is i think i'd like to do with my life. these entries usually end up conjuring questions that i just don't have the answers to. but that night i finally figured out why i'm completely unwilling to commit to pursuing anything hardcore right now. i've always said, "well, i'm just not career-minded" or "i'm not willing to be cutthroat" or "i don't want to start at the bottom and have to work my way up" when making excuses for being at my same job for five years with relatively no upward mobility. while all those things still apply, i realized that my problem is not my personality (let me quickly qualify that to say at least not in this area). my problem is passion. which is? exactly ... this is the problem. i thought i'd discovered it in college (writing, editing, designing). but you know what? i'd define someone's passion as the thing that is able to motivate them to do what it is they wouldn't instinctively want to do. in my case, if i were really passionate about writing, editing or designing, i would be more than willing to "start at the bottom" or work really, really hard with little to no payoff initially or be aggressive in getting that job or showing how my work is better than someone else's. this is just not where i am. while i definitely love to do those things and can see myself being happy doing them, i don't know if it's worth pursuing if i don't want to pursue it. am i making any sense?
and another thing. i never thought i was really a "team player." i always hated team projects in school because i was the responsible one, the one whom everyone would get to do their work because she cared more about the grade than anyone else. i liked to have free reign of creativity. but it all comes down to the people you're working with. i love working with the children's staff here. i could work with any of them on countless projects, and yes there would be frustration, but i'd always be glad i had them with me (or that i was with them). i also love accomplishing things. tasks that are seen through to completion and success are what excite me about my job. it's just that those are few and far between ... (for jen).
on a separate note, i love kids. i just get a lot of joy from them. i don't mean googly-eyed giddiness whenever a baby enters the room. i don't mean they'll ever be my best friends. i just mean they give you the opportunity to teach while you, in turn, are taught. i would include teens in this. i've been working with kids/teens since i started babysitting when i was about 10. but i wasn't joyed at the prospect, it was just more something i happened upon. the more things i did with kids, the more i was asked to do, and then i finally started getting it. i got to understand how kids think, how they learn, how they interact, from my experiences. and it got easier and easier as i understood these things. it's so much easier to enjoy things when you understand what is going on behind the scenes, instead of just seeing the fingerprints on the glass or dirt on the floor or hearing the dish break or baby screaming for 20 minutes solid. they are some of the sweetest, most undervalued things on earth. and this truth is magnified when you realize just how jaded you've become. that may have a lot or nothing to do with the above comments. i just happened to think of it while i was typing.
what am i supposed to do with this newly acquired knowledge? who knows. these are just some conclusions, if you can call them that, that i came up with the other night. it's just a baby step toward whatever it is that might be out there next.
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