okay, i need to do this ...

for anyone out there who is desperately trying to listen to God, at the ultimate expense of self.

Father, i need you to be more than i imagine you to be. i need you to take away the fragile, limited view of you that i’ve been clinging to.

Jesus, this is where i try to be more than i am but still less than who you made me to be. this is when i call out to you to see if the thing that i have built my hopes on has made its way to my heart in accordance with my head. this is where i desperately try to realize the truth that this is not a contradiction.

Spirit, this is overwhelming. this is not what i ever wanted it to be. this is devastating. this is humiliating. this is enlightening and illuminating. can it be any better?

i have bought into the philosophy of people who cannot live my life for me. i’m finding my way home by going to familiar places. they are not as familiar as they should be. what a waste.

am i being wasted?

God, my heart is torn and trampled. i’ve given some pieces away and had others ripped from my chest. can i even stop it? what if i can’t? what if i can ...

what will my life look like when i finally choose what’s worth the pain and vulnerability?