This is the hardest part ...

the first time always seems like it takes so much more effort. i'm supposed to come back with something profound and life-altering because i've had almost a year to figure out what to say.

there are many things i've learned about myself in the time i've been absent from blogging. knowing it's impossible to recap with brevity and clarity, i suppose i'll just post a few thoughts regarding my life in general.

i found what i thought i was looking for, vocationally. i'm helping people, both directly and indirectly. i'm at a not-for-profit. i am bringing a decent amount of expertise to the table with what i'm doing. i love everyone i work with. they are talented and inspired. i do not love what i am doing. i'm starting to think it's not hands-on enough. i'm also trying not to be discontent. i'm working part-time. i don't know that i have the desire to go full-time at this job. to supplement, i am working four other jobs. i'm able to piece together a barely sufficient income. i am not happy with the arrangement, but it is comfortable enough. i will not be in this state, what feels like a holding pattern, for long.

i'm living alone for the first time. it was not my first choice of living situations, but it was the only viable option when it came down to having to make a decision. i appreciate some of the aspects of solitude that it affords, but i struggle with some of them to the point that i question my ability to manage both time and space in my life.

in my relationships, i have discovered what it is i always look for and am drawn to... someone to help, someone who needs me. and sometimes i have noble and pure intent. sometimes it just makes me feel good to be around someone i think has more issues than i do. it's not that i don't still want to help them. but it all falls apart when the person starts refusing help or can't improve fast enough for me. this is one of the ugliest sides of me that i didn't even know existed till the past year or so.

while the rest of my life is equally as unbalanced, i think i've hit the areas that are seemingly the most critical. they are all, non-coincidentally, connected.

till i can manage some thoughts of more significance ...