most of the time...

i think i don't really deserve my life. the rest of the time is when i'm unconscious, so i'm not really thinking about anything.

started reading this book called "plan b" by pete wilson. i innocently asked someone what it was about when i saw it sitting on her bookshelf, and she put it in front of me and told me to read it and "find out." those of you who know our beloved director of retail services will not find this surprising. anyway, the book is all about the "what now?" when you figure out that your best laid plans aren't coming to fruition. basically, how do you handle it when you don't get your way or what you maybe even thought God was telling you was sure to happen. i'm not far into it, but the question made me think of something one of our teaching pastors said last night at the kick-off to our all-church small group study. he said something to the effect of, "when things get uncomfortable, lean in."

i don't think anyone will be surprised to hear me say i'm not really a fan of small groups. so the thought of leaning into an uncomfortable situation when it involves people i may or may not have known until that evening didn't appeal to me. in fact, it kind of made my stomach flip. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized there's not really a more helpful suggestion for someone who actually wants to make the small group effective as opposed to a dreadful waste of time. running away or sliding by would guarantee me a solid hour of insignificance every week.

this definitely has applied (or should have) in situations outside of a group dynamic. the most powerful times to lean in to God have never been more clear. it's when i feel a bump or a bruise, or a break. it's when nothing makes sense. it's when all i can feel is the hurt or the embarrassment or the guilt. it's when i can't stop crying or i don't know how to take the next breath without screaming or cursing. it's when i feel abandoned or lost or taken advantage of. because all of those emotions, notions and symptoms tell me God hasn't given up. He's pulling me back or pointing me in a little different direction than i was heading. it wouldn't hurt if it didn't matter. or if there was no right and wrong. i guess it's kind of like when you get a leg cramp after doing something physically strenuous (particularly when you're accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle such as mine). not that i know what that's like. but when you feel that pull, you've got to deny the instinct to stretch your muscles in the direction they WANT to go. pulling in the opposite direction goes against what your body is telling you, but you know if you give in to it, the pain's just gonna get worse. you recall the first time it happened to you and the person who told you how to make it go away. you thought they were crazy and maybe just trying to hurt you more (in my case, it was my big sister, and i was sure she was trying to get back at me for something). but you finally give in and try it because what you're doing certainly isn't helping. and you find out the truth is counter-intuitive. maybe for the first time. funny.

well, those are the random thoughts i decided to spit out into cyberspace upon my re-entry to the blogging world once again.

i've also been meaning to post a little job update for awhile now. without going into another novel, things are going well. i didn't really know what to expect going into it, but it hasn't been a disappointment. so many reasons to be thankful (tying back into the intro to this post). my boss, my team, my environment, my proximity to target, chipotle and chick-fil-a. it's been a great experience so far, and i'm still just trying to soak it all in before they figure out they made a huge mistake...

so that's all for now. maybe.