is it just me?

i don't think so. if you haven't seen the sun in three weeks, have daily confusion over whether your allergies are acting up or you've caught a cold from whiplash weather or are making a contingency plan to toast some s'mores in your fireplace for the holiday pending the continuation of the permacloud... you might live in indiana. and you just might be feeling, like me, a little less like yourself these days and a little more like eeyore, shamu or oscar the grouch (maybe a combination of them, a grumpy, sluggish mess of... zzz). i've decided something's got to give. ways i'm going to suck it up and help myself out:

1. drink coffee. so much coffee.
2. spend time with people i like.
3. get a change of scenery.
4. move. (walk, bike, dance.)
5. laugh. (at you. at myself. or at random people on the internets.)
6. make a plan.
7. tackle a project.
8. find some new music.
9. help someone.
10. fake it. (till it's real.)

back again

just uploaded all 444 of my pics from the trip. it took some effort to refrain from being behind the camera 24/7, but i think i still got some good ones. hope you enjoy!!

http://photobucket.com/GCCIndia12

noteworthy

it was suggested that i post some of my current musical interests here. because i need to get back into the swing of things and have just about this much motivation and energy to do so, here goes. some of the most noteworthy stuff i've been enjoying during the last year or so.


of monsters and men - no doubt you've heard the single "little talks" (as well you should), which is indicative of the brilliance of the rest of their album.
the soil and the sun - saw them perform live at a friend's apartment here in south bend, fresh off their appearance at this year's SXSW. entrancing.
the milk carton kids - a.k.a., kenneth pattengale & joey ryan, they had a stint opening for over the rhine last year, and they were a surprising treat.
the bergamot - totally local, totally amazing. think adele meets jack johnson with a little dave matthews thrown in the mix. absolutely loving them for who they are and their music alike. they also performed at my friend's apartment - as a fundraiser for my next india trip.
the lumineers - just discovered these guys from denver when i introduced someone at work to of monsters and men. i think it was a fair trade.
the head and the heart - a friend told me i had to listen to this band about a year ago, and i didn't regret it. she owed me anyway. i was the first one to show her the magic of over the rhine live.
alexi murdoch - didn't discover this guy till the opening scene of "real steel." actually really loved the movie as well as "all my days." bonus.
el ten eleven - i know, i know. they've been around awhile, but unless you're a mac geek, you might not have heard of them - though you have probably heard their music somewhere, in the background, secretly being fabulous.
chris bathgate - truthfully, i owe starbucks for this one. i'm gonna go ahead and say the salty price tag on my espresso drink balanced out the other treasure i discovered that day. i consider him local as well, since he hails from michigan.
the kills - saw them at lollapalooza last summer. nothing but vocals and guitar with the help of a drum machine and overwhelming chemistry.

hope some of you discover a new love via this post. enjoy!

a valentine greeting

this is the best valentine i think i've ever gotten. i had to share. (penned by the always eloquent linford detweiler and karin bergquist)

Hello young lovers wherever you are,

Hello not-so-young lovers with hearts fixed on the prize of growing
older together, one day at a time, come what may,

Hello to those flying solo, learning to love just the feel of being
human,

Hello to those head over heels in a tangle of a wrecked bed, blurring
ego boundaries with an eager protagonist, drunk on it,

Hello to those who could never live with another human being and are
okay with that knowledge (Fran Lebowitz),

Hello to those married with young children, running their domestic
marathon,

Hello to those in love with the sky only, the very breathable air,
restlessly content with this earthly mix of sometimes joy, sometimes
longing, sometimes loneliness, sometimes surprising laughter,

Hello to those in love with the whole human predicament,

Hello to the broke, the well-heeled, the lucky, the lost, the quiet,
the gifted, the empty-handed, the adopted, the beginners, the almost
finished, the starting over, the music makers, and those with the gift
of hearing and receiving the music,

Hello.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day to you all.

since it seems i haven't been able to find the words to say on here for quite awhile, i thought i'd let someone else speak them for me. i hope you found them enjoyable.

my valentine's evening was spent with three girls i started on a spiritual journey with last fall. we decided to continue it this month and next, and while we have no idea where exactly it will lead us, it's going to be an interesting and challenging path. i don't know why we have to resort to a book in order to even start to figure out how relationships and community work, but here we are. and we're diving in. it could get ugly. but hopefully it will also get us somewhere other than where we are right now, stuck in hibernation mode (as if we needed to hide).

in closing, a quick note about some stuff going on since i last posted. i'm not inundating the twittersphere or facebook world with updates, but my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer right around thanksgiving, and yesterday she had the second of a year's worth of chemo treatments. thoughts and prayers are so appreciated.

that's all for now.

not my typical blogging shtick...

i usually steer clear of political rhetoric, but i found this trio of tweets by Sen. Lindsey Graham of SC intriguing:

“I feel all we have worked for, fought for, and sacrificed for is very much in jeopardy by today’s announcement.”

“I hope I am wrong and the President is right, but I fear this decision has set in motion events that will come back to haunt our country.”

he even prefaced the two tweets with this: “On Iraq, I respectfully disagree with President Obama.”

humility and respect. regardless of your opinions on the war and withdrawal announced today, you've got to agree we don't see a lot of those things coming from washington. it got my attention. so thanks, Sen. Graham. it was a pleasant surprise.

two words.

COLD. PLAY.

what ALMOST had the power to prompt me into resurfacing in the blogging world last month was the advent of friday, august 5. for four months, i'd been counting down to lollapalooza 2011. here's a glimpse of how i spent that night:



that was the close of the equally spectacular prior two hours. chris, guy, jonny and will engaged and entertained - and seemed to be enjoying the moments as much as their portion of the 90,000 fans in attendance were. there were fireworks, lasers, giant balloons, guitar smashing antics, tributes (Jay-Z's "99 Problems" and the Back to the Future theme were preludes; Chris sampled a somber version of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" to open "Fix You") and the beloved ragdoll dance. the crowd jumped, danced, clapped and sang along (with and without prompting) and in return, the band was frequently caught applauding the crowd's participation. the Chicago skyline was the backdrop. outside of the contact high and 100% humidity, the day was near perfection.

leading up to the headlining show were notable performances by grace potter & the nocturnals, the kills and bright eyes. girl talk and muse performed a million miles away opposite coldplay, and even though i read somewhere that matt bellamy claimed those watching his show had "made the right choice" - i honestly beg to differ. (though i'm sure he was entertaining and his fans weren't disappointed.)

another favorite moment from the night:



so worth my money. even with as little of it as i have.

well, that's all i have to say, for real. at least in writing.

go in peace.

most of the time...

i think i don't really deserve my life. the rest of the time is when i'm unconscious, so i'm not really thinking about anything.

started reading this book called "plan b" by pete wilson. i innocently asked someone what it was about when i saw it sitting on her bookshelf, and she put it in front of me and told me to read it and "find out." those of you who know our beloved director of retail services will not find this surprising. anyway, the book is all about the "what now?" when you figure out that your best laid plans aren't coming to fruition. basically, how do you handle it when you don't get your way or what you maybe even thought God was telling you was sure to happen. i'm not far into it, but the question made me think of something one of our teaching pastors said last night at the kick-off to our all-church small group study. he said something to the effect of, "when things get uncomfortable, lean in."

i don't think anyone will be surprised to hear me say i'm not really a fan of small groups. so the thought of leaning into an uncomfortable situation when it involves people i may or may not have known until that evening didn't appeal to me. in fact, it kind of made my stomach flip. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized there's not really a more helpful suggestion for someone who actually wants to make the small group effective as opposed to a dreadful waste of time. running away or sliding by would guarantee me a solid hour of insignificance every week.

this definitely has applied (or should have) in situations outside of a group dynamic. the most powerful times to lean in to God have never been more clear. it's when i feel a bump or a bruise, or a break. it's when nothing makes sense. it's when all i can feel is the hurt or the embarrassment or the guilt. it's when i can't stop crying or i don't know how to take the next breath without screaming or cursing. it's when i feel abandoned or lost or taken advantage of. because all of those emotions, notions and symptoms tell me God hasn't given up. He's pulling me back or pointing me in a little different direction than i was heading. it wouldn't hurt if it didn't matter. or if there was no right and wrong. i guess it's kind of like when you get a leg cramp after doing something physically strenuous (particularly when you're accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle such as mine). not that i know what that's like. but when you feel that pull, you've got to deny the instinct to stretch your muscles in the direction they WANT to go. pulling in the opposite direction goes against what your body is telling you, but you know if you give in to it, the pain's just gonna get worse. you recall the first time it happened to you and the person who told you how to make it go away. you thought they were crazy and maybe just trying to hurt you more (in my case, it was my big sister, and i was sure she was trying to get back at me for something). but you finally give in and try it because what you're doing certainly isn't helping. and you find out the truth is counter-intuitive. maybe for the first time. funny.

well, those are the random thoughts i decided to spit out into cyberspace upon my re-entry to the blogging world once again.

i've also been meaning to post a little job update for awhile now. without going into another novel, things are going well. i didn't really know what to expect going into it, but it hasn't been a disappointment. so many reasons to be thankful (tying back into the intro to this post). my boss, my team, my environment, my proximity to target, chipotle and chick-fil-a. it's been a great experience so far, and i'm still just trying to soak it all in before they figure out they made a huge mistake...

so that's all for now. maybe.

it's the little things that can make you really love life.

like shampoo that actually lathers so you don't feel like you have to pour half the bottle on your head (of very short hair, i might add) to know that it's squeaky clean.

or pulling a shirt out of your dresser, putting it on and realizing it still smells like it's straight out of the dryer... mmm, quality fabric softener.

or not having to wake up to an alarm clock that, as someone very dear to me once put it, makes you think you have to evacuate.

or rediscovering the spectacular music library you have and creating an aural utopia on your iphone.

the list is endless, but in order to maximize today's enjoyment of said list, blogging must take a backseat. off to lay in a hammock. or, more likely, fall out of one.

may you enjoy the little things today.

there and here

our last debrief session is tomorrow night. it's crazy how life has just taken over. and the time i thought i'd have to wade through experiences and emotions will now have to be sought out. it's probably better that way. why would i want to cheat the process?

thus, in anything but unexpected fashion, i'll be procrastinating my india recap until further notice. what i can (finally) post about is the newfound vocation. most of you who follow along will already understand much of the hell that work has been for upwards of two years now. i loved my job for what i knew i was helping to accomplish and not for the environment or process. more recent circumstances brought me to the decision that it was time to leave, with or without a next step planned out.

the afternoon before my final day at habitat, i was offered a job at my church, the place i've come to love from attending full time the past four years and part time six years before that. i already started work this week, and the best part is being within throwing distance of my brother-in-law's office. i already successfully guilt-tripped him into buying me a toffee nut latte. i claim abject desperation. no one detests mornings as i do.

i'm assisting the executive pastor, and even though i've only been there two days this week, i can already feel myself starting to breathe again. i'd almost forgotten what it was like to feel safe... and not just that, but to feel protected. i'm excited about the new and positive ways that i'll grow, as opposed to what has felt like growth of defiance - or an awkwardly navigated test of resilience.

the opportunity makes me utterly thankful, and the future doesn't seem quite as daunting with that piece of the puzzle in place. if i had to make a prediction, i'd say God isn't close to being done weaving the story, though what He's written truly blew me away last week. i'm definitely feeling a little more peace in the journey these days.

first things second...

or maybe it's second things first.

i am long overdue for an India post (one with words this time), but i'm not quite there yet. lots of contributing factors, but next week should bring the time, space and sanity needed to do the experience justice.

so this post will be a little bit more lighthearted, as it's all i can muster. thinking of you, julie lafleur.

after the cafe, i got to enjoy the view above for the rest of the day. outside of a little village in India, it was the most perfect day i've had in quite a long time. we played on the beach for awhile then sat at the bar on the patio at silver beach pizza. the air was perfect. the sun was perfect. the wind was perfect.

then we ended the day with this:

i'd had other plans for my sunday, but when the opportunity arose to just breathe... i took it. i'm so glad i did. thanks to my beach companions for making it all possible. i'm sure they didn't know how much i needed it.

friday marks the end of my three-year stint at habitat. not really sure what to say about that. it was a choice that was forced, after almost two-and-a-half years of wondering every day whether it would ever get better, or get back to the way it used to be. i have no idea what God has around the corner, but He's taken me here before. i love that i really want to trust Him, even in the times that i don't. i'm not always there. i have my moments. moments that are His.

i'll sign off with the words of a dear friend of mine.

not standing still.

good intentions

i've thought a lot about blogging since i've been back. this is the best i can come up with for now. here are all 591 of my photos. hope you enjoy!

travel's a breeze

it's just past 6 a.m. in Chennai, and after roughly 27 hours of travel, the internal clock has just about run out of batteries. right now, i'm sitting at our hotel's version of an internet cafe (along with my roommates for the night, julia and anna). check out the digs. never stayed here before, and it's just a few steps up from the ashok residency. got through abu dhabi with no mishaps. [insert magruder-esque limerick]

in much need of a shower and uninterrupted sleep, though the inflatable neck pillow was a sound investment. thumbs up to etihad airlines and it's selection of entertainment: king's speech, harry potter, hereafter, and coldplay radio were my picks. and the best news comes in the form of unswolled ankles and toes. the compression socks were pricey but worth it.

off to st. thomas mount tomorrow (today) before boarding the train to kalavai... can't wait to see the kids, teachers and of course, miss lily.

wish you all were here!

waiting.

sitting at o'hare, gate M10... stretching legs and updating statuses and making that one last phone call. if anything's for sure, it's the fact that none of us are really prepared for the week ahead. it's counterintuitive, but it's best that way. in kalavai, our only real necessity will be reliance on Something above and beyond. loving the team, loving the journey. soaking it in.

soooooooo close.

i almost started packing tonight. i was THISCLOSE to it. instead, i went shopping and did laundry (i can't stand coming home to laundry or dishes). i'm really hoping my roommate runs out of cups so she has to do them while i'm gone. considering i have four shelves' worth of cups, mugs and glasses... not likely. so a little more shopping, showering, lesson plans and packing are on tomorrow's (oops, today's) agenda. probably not in that order. all that with the prospect of a decent night's sleep thrown in there? not bad. i'm trying to clear thoughts of work from my mind as the twitch under my eye reminds me that the last 5 1/2 hours at the office today were spent glued to my chair. i literally sent 52 emails today. the amount of information i tried to dispense makes my head spin. even more so than the lack of sleep is doing right now. signing off with the strains of chris carrabba serenading me...

the countdown.

now that the countdown to india is almost at its end, i have suddenly found a million loose ends to tie prior to departure. the next 30 hours or so will provide much needed motivation. lesson plans, packing, shopping, work, church, cafe, paying bills, cleaning, getting a new roommate... sleep is overrated, right? well, judging from monday night, possibly not. somehow, though, i feel like staying out till 2 celebrating ed's and katie's birthdays on a monday... before an international trip... after two drama-filled, emotionally charged days at work... might have been more stress (read: comic) relief than sleep would have provided.

my true dilemma is: falling asleep? not a problem. staying asleep? another issue altogether. i'm a stress thinker. the combination of early mornings and brain activity for me are never a good thing. it's fortunate i only have one more morning before i step on the bus, then the plane, then the other plane, then the train... then the soil in kalavai, tamil nadu. it's getting a little out of control, and i don't know how much more i can take of my mind spinning for hours before my alarm clock goes off.

in many ways, most of you know i've been ready for this trip since i came back last year. i just found out that i'll be writing the team blog while we're there, so you can track our progress over here for the next couple of weeks and of course see updates back here when i return. my sister is loaning me one of her DSLRs for the trip, so i'm STOKED to have good pics to share!

in other life updates... changes will be coming soon. i can tell you more later after my trip, but i can say they're really only good changes. God's definitely brought me to them, so how could i think otherwise?

well, i think that's all. in the midst of all of this (or perhaps i should say, in the midst of IT), lent continues. i plan to be practicing some "putting on" disciplines while in india. the end result may reach some of you, hopefully.

for now, peace, love and adequate sleep to you all.

ashes to...

king cake au lait. after an early ash wednesday service, i had just enough time to stop at chicory cafe for a kick start before heading to the office. was interested in their new display of Umpqua Oats at the counter.

one positive change at work recently is related to me actually doing less work. i've got a new assistant who has lowered my stress levels to the point of barely manageable. which is a vast improvement.

putting off and putting on. here's a quote from relevant's latest take on the issue: "We should never be nervous about how God feels about us." i'm much too exhausted to process this right now. but i'm 63% convinced it's true.

after getting my toes painted turquoise monday night, i had to break out the flip-flops. my feet are so ready for india. so is my heart.

peace and gratitude...

i thought about it.

yes, i considered blogging about my birthday week before, but since this week is national procrastination week, i figured i should put it off till then.

so what's been happening? i'll start with monday since i really can't remember anything before that. i went to trivia night at between the buns in elkhart with jennie, who has only invited me to attend a few dozen times. we didn't win, but then again, we did, because, DUH... if charlie sheen's winning, i sure am. i did score some points in the college basketball category. (insert twinge of march madness regret)

tuesday was our next to last india meeting! are we there yet??

wednesday could have been better, but it started off well with a chai and bamboo plant from my coworkers. thanks, joelseph. then i inadvertently took a 2-hour lunch at the mark with jennie and on to jamba juice, where the lovely dian gave me her employee discount. :) when i got back to work and found out i indeed still had a job, i wouldn't say i was necessarily relieved. but oh well.

thursday was much better as it started off less spectacularly but ended much better. my family and i met at fiddler's at 6:30, and friends trickled in from 7 to 10 (sorry, dave). jenna, kyle, elena, rachele, micah, brittney, drea, cassi, mary anna, brad, katie, kate, emily, joel, jen, callan and dave... thanks for coming! hope you enjoyed the elvis tribute band as much as i did.

friday was the dreaded day of typhoid. however, it ended up not nearly as traumatically as anticipated. the shot turned into a pill that was actually $20 cheaper and lasts 5 years instead of 2.

i won't go into the details of yesterday and this morning, as it all became a blur. i'm winding down the weekend but am going to top it off with a dollar-theater viewing of tron. i'm not going to make any pre-judgments, but if at 9 p.m., i feel as if i've wasted two hours of my life, i will be naming names.

for now, i'm lending moral support in the form of inhaling paint fumes from inside the guest bedroom... i'll be back soon barring pending asphyxiation.

this is so typical...

no, no, no, no, NO!!! ok, well... maybe.

this is my internal dialogue every morning. it doesn't matter what the question is, the word "yes" doesn't register in my vocabulary until the hour of 10 a.m. or the proper dosage of caffeine kicks in. most of the time, i'm not even sure what it is that i'm fighting... have i mentioned that mornings are a little rough for me?

a week and a half until lent. found this interesting quote.

"For this Lent...I'm trying to overcome a weird addiction I have--I love to make myself upset by listening to people whose politics and attitudes differ from mine, i.e., Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly.... In some perverse way I'm addicted to the feelings of smug superiority and righteous indignation that come up in me when these people spout their hateful nonsense...but it diverts energy and attention away from God by focusing it on my own ego."

ouch.

oh, so in case you missed it, i have my car back. i managed to drive it back to ed's and micah's without crashing into mary anna, who was gracious enough to not only pick me up at work and follow me to their place but also loan me her vehicle for the weekend! then upon each of the guys test driving my car, they agreed there was a slight problem. i was more than relieved to not hear them declare, "oh, that's normal. perfectly safe to drive." so all is well, and my stomach doesn't twist into knots any more at the thought of having to drive my little honda.

i'm off to trivia night with jen. i'm sure it will be a memorable experience!

it's official

as of approximately 12 hours ago, i once again have the capability to charge my laptop battery, so it appears as if the blog is back in business...

now if the capability to breathe out of my nose or hear would return. i know... it's a bold request.

tomorrow, my car is going to get some long awaited TLC, and we'll see how trustworthy the mechanic who last saw her is. i kind of feel bad for not taking her back to him, but hopefully my bank account won't.

in my recent self-imposed down time, i've been watching "firefly." didn't remember the young zac efron as simon. it kind of freaked me out. hollywood has a knack for that.

oh, and the second best part of my day was when the city somehow hit a gas main, causing the SBFD to evacuate us from the office midday. yay for unexpected afternoons off!

the best part was calculating my india funds and finding out i now have $70 left! amazing and then some.

beast

i have singlehandedly torn through 2 1/2 boxes of kleenex today. and it's only 3:12. dear ireland road target, i will be wiping you out (no pun intended) of puffs plus in approximately one hour and thirty minutes.

in related news, my nose has lost about 142 layers of skin today.

funds for my trip are due this week, and as of 3 minutes ago, i now have $160 out of $3,000 left to come up with! if you are ever longing for more clearly defined direction in life, sign up for something that pushes the limits of your faith. it's guaranteed.