there and here

our last debrief session is tomorrow night. it's crazy how life has just taken over. and the time i thought i'd have to wade through experiences and emotions will now have to be sought out. it's probably better that way. why would i want to cheat the process?

thus, in anything but unexpected fashion, i'll be procrastinating my india recap until further notice. what i can (finally) post about is the newfound vocation. most of you who follow along will already understand much of the hell that work has been for upwards of two years now. i loved my job for what i knew i was helping to accomplish and not for the environment or process. more recent circumstances brought me to the decision that it was time to leave, with or without a next step planned out.

the afternoon before my final day at habitat, i was offered a job at my church, the place i've come to love from attending full time the past four years and part time six years before that. i already started work this week, and the best part is being within throwing distance of my brother-in-law's office. i already successfully guilt-tripped him into buying me a toffee nut latte. i claim abject desperation. no one detests mornings as i do.

i'm assisting the executive pastor, and even though i've only been there two days this week, i can already feel myself starting to breathe again. i'd almost forgotten what it was like to feel safe... and not just that, but to feel protected. i'm excited about the new and positive ways that i'll grow, as opposed to what has felt like growth of defiance - or an awkwardly navigated test of resilience.

the opportunity makes me utterly thankful, and the future doesn't seem quite as daunting with that piece of the puzzle in place. if i had to make a prediction, i'd say God isn't close to being done weaving the story, though what He's written truly blew me away last week. i'm definitely feeling a little more peace in the journey these days.

first things second...

or maybe it's second things first.

i am long overdue for an India post (one with words this time), but i'm not quite there yet. lots of contributing factors, but next week should bring the time, space and sanity needed to do the experience justice.

so this post will be a little bit more lighthearted, as it's all i can muster. thinking of you, julie lafleur.

after the cafe, i got to enjoy the view above for the rest of the day. outside of a little village in India, it was the most perfect day i've had in quite a long time. we played on the beach for awhile then sat at the bar on the patio at silver beach pizza. the air was perfect. the sun was perfect. the wind was perfect.

then we ended the day with this:

i'd had other plans for my sunday, but when the opportunity arose to just breathe... i took it. i'm so glad i did. thanks to my beach companions for making it all possible. i'm sure they didn't know how much i needed it.

friday marks the end of my three-year stint at habitat. not really sure what to say about that. it was a choice that was forced, after almost two-and-a-half years of wondering every day whether it would ever get better, or get back to the way it used to be. i have no idea what God has around the corner, but He's taken me here before. i love that i really want to trust Him, even in the times that i don't. i'm not always there. i have my moments. moments that are His.

i'll sign off with the words of a dear friend of mine.

not standing still.

good intentions

i've thought a lot about blogging since i've been back. this is the best i can come up with for now. here are all 591 of my photos. hope you enjoy!

travel's a breeze

it's just past 6 a.m. in Chennai, and after roughly 27 hours of travel, the internal clock has just about run out of batteries. right now, i'm sitting at our hotel's version of an internet cafe (along with my roommates for the night, julia and anna). check out the digs. never stayed here before, and it's just a few steps up from the ashok residency. got through abu dhabi with no mishaps. [insert magruder-esque limerick]

in much need of a shower and uninterrupted sleep, though the inflatable neck pillow was a sound investment. thumbs up to etihad airlines and it's selection of entertainment: king's speech, harry potter, hereafter, and coldplay radio were my picks. and the best news comes in the form of unswolled ankles and toes. the compression socks were pricey but worth it.

off to st. thomas mount tomorrow (today) before boarding the train to kalavai... can't wait to see the kids, teachers and of course, miss lily.

wish you all were here!

waiting.

sitting at o'hare, gate M10... stretching legs and updating statuses and making that one last phone call. if anything's for sure, it's the fact that none of us are really prepared for the week ahead. it's counterintuitive, but it's best that way. in kalavai, our only real necessity will be reliance on Something above and beyond. loving the team, loving the journey. soaking it in.

soooooooo close.

i almost started packing tonight. i was THISCLOSE to it. instead, i went shopping and did laundry (i can't stand coming home to laundry or dishes). i'm really hoping my roommate runs out of cups so she has to do them while i'm gone. considering i have four shelves' worth of cups, mugs and glasses... not likely. so a little more shopping, showering, lesson plans and packing are on tomorrow's (oops, today's) agenda. probably not in that order. all that with the prospect of a decent night's sleep thrown in there? not bad. i'm trying to clear thoughts of work from my mind as the twitch under my eye reminds me that the last 5 1/2 hours at the office today were spent glued to my chair. i literally sent 52 emails today. the amount of information i tried to dispense makes my head spin. even more so than the lack of sleep is doing right now. signing off with the strains of chris carrabba serenading me...

the countdown.

now that the countdown to india is almost at its end, i have suddenly found a million loose ends to tie prior to departure. the next 30 hours or so will provide much needed motivation. lesson plans, packing, shopping, work, church, cafe, paying bills, cleaning, getting a new roommate... sleep is overrated, right? well, judging from monday night, possibly not. somehow, though, i feel like staying out till 2 celebrating ed's and katie's birthdays on a monday... before an international trip... after two drama-filled, emotionally charged days at work... might have been more stress (read: comic) relief than sleep would have provided.

my true dilemma is: falling asleep? not a problem. staying asleep? another issue altogether. i'm a stress thinker. the combination of early mornings and brain activity for me are never a good thing. it's fortunate i only have one more morning before i step on the bus, then the plane, then the other plane, then the train... then the soil in kalavai, tamil nadu. it's getting a little out of control, and i don't know how much more i can take of my mind spinning for hours before my alarm clock goes off.

in many ways, most of you know i've been ready for this trip since i came back last year. i just found out that i'll be writing the team blog while we're there, so you can track our progress over here for the next couple of weeks and of course see updates back here when i return. my sister is loaning me one of her DSLRs for the trip, so i'm STOKED to have good pics to share!

in other life updates... changes will be coming soon. i can tell you more later after my trip, but i can say they're really only good changes. God's definitely brought me to them, so how could i think otherwise?

well, i think that's all. in the midst of all of this (or perhaps i should say, in the midst of IT), lent continues. i plan to be practicing some "putting on" disciplines while in india. the end result may reach some of you, hopefully.

for now, peace, love and adequate sleep to you all.

ashes to...

king cake au lait. after an early ash wednesday service, i had just enough time to stop at chicory cafe for a kick start before heading to the office. was interested in their new display of Umpqua Oats at the counter.

one positive change at work recently is related to me actually doing less work. i've got a new assistant who has lowered my stress levels to the point of barely manageable. which is a vast improvement.

putting off and putting on. here's a quote from relevant's latest take on the issue: "We should never be nervous about how God feels about us." i'm much too exhausted to process this right now. but i'm 63% convinced it's true.

after getting my toes painted turquoise monday night, i had to break out the flip-flops. my feet are so ready for india. so is my heart.

peace and gratitude...

i thought about it.

yes, i considered blogging about my birthday week before, but since this week is national procrastination week, i figured i should put it off till then.

so what's been happening? i'll start with monday since i really can't remember anything before that. i went to trivia night at between the buns in elkhart with jennie, who has only invited me to attend a few dozen times. we didn't win, but then again, we did, because, DUH... if charlie sheen's winning, i sure am. i did score some points in the college basketball category. (insert twinge of march madness regret)

tuesday was our next to last india meeting! are we there yet??

wednesday could have been better, but it started off well with a chai and bamboo plant from my coworkers. thanks, joelseph. then i inadvertently took a 2-hour lunch at the mark with jennie and on to jamba juice, where the lovely dian gave me her employee discount. :) when i got back to work and found out i indeed still had a job, i wouldn't say i was necessarily relieved. but oh well.

thursday was much better as it started off less spectacularly but ended much better. my family and i met at fiddler's at 6:30, and friends trickled in from 7 to 10 (sorry, dave). jenna, kyle, elena, rachele, micah, brittney, drea, cassi, mary anna, brad, katie, kate, emily, joel, jen, callan and dave... thanks for coming! hope you enjoyed the elvis tribute band as much as i did.

friday was the dreaded day of typhoid. however, it ended up not nearly as traumatically as anticipated. the shot turned into a pill that was actually $20 cheaper and lasts 5 years instead of 2.

i won't go into the details of yesterday and this morning, as it all became a blur. i'm winding down the weekend but am going to top it off with a dollar-theater viewing of tron. i'm not going to make any pre-judgments, but if at 9 p.m., i feel as if i've wasted two hours of my life, i will be naming names.

for now, i'm lending moral support in the form of inhaling paint fumes from inside the guest bedroom... i'll be back soon barring pending asphyxiation.

this is so typical...

no, no, no, no, NO!!! ok, well... maybe.

this is my internal dialogue every morning. it doesn't matter what the question is, the word "yes" doesn't register in my vocabulary until the hour of 10 a.m. or the proper dosage of caffeine kicks in. most of the time, i'm not even sure what it is that i'm fighting... have i mentioned that mornings are a little rough for me?

a week and a half until lent. found this interesting quote.

"For this Lent...I'm trying to overcome a weird addiction I have--I love to make myself upset by listening to people whose politics and attitudes differ from mine, i.e., Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly.... In some perverse way I'm addicted to the feelings of smug superiority and righteous indignation that come up in me when these people spout their hateful nonsense...but it diverts energy and attention away from God by focusing it on my own ego."

ouch.

oh, so in case you missed it, i have my car back. i managed to drive it back to ed's and micah's without crashing into mary anna, who was gracious enough to not only pick me up at work and follow me to their place but also loan me her vehicle for the weekend! then upon each of the guys test driving my car, they agreed there was a slight problem. i was more than relieved to not hear them declare, "oh, that's normal. perfectly safe to drive." so all is well, and my stomach doesn't twist into knots any more at the thought of having to drive my little honda.

i'm off to trivia night with jen. i'm sure it will be a memorable experience!

it's official

as of approximately 12 hours ago, i once again have the capability to charge my laptop battery, so it appears as if the blog is back in business...

now if the capability to breathe out of my nose or hear would return. i know... it's a bold request.

tomorrow, my car is going to get some long awaited TLC, and we'll see how trustworthy the mechanic who last saw her is. i kind of feel bad for not taking her back to him, but hopefully my bank account won't.

in my recent self-imposed down time, i've been watching "firefly." didn't remember the young zac efron as simon. it kind of freaked me out. hollywood has a knack for that.

oh, and the second best part of my day was when the city somehow hit a gas main, causing the SBFD to evacuate us from the office midday. yay for unexpected afternoons off!

the best part was calculating my india funds and finding out i now have $70 left! amazing and then some.

beast

i have singlehandedly torn through 2 1/2 boxes of kleenex today. and it's only 3:12. dear ireland road target, i will be wiping you out (no pun intended) of puffs plus in approximately one hour and thirty minutes.

in related news, my nose has lost about 142 layers of skin today.

funds for my trip are due this week, and as of 3 minutes ago, i now have $160 out of $3,000 left to come up with! if you are ever longing for more clearly defined direction in life, sign up for something that pushes the limits of your faith. it's guaranteed.

barely here

hi. what? where am i? i'm confused. it's like the world has gone dark.

my laptop is still being nursed back to health. i miss venting babbling blogging.

had a wonderful, relaxing valentine's day soiree with friends on monday and another india team meeting last night. we leave ONE MONTH from tomorrow.

i walked out of our weekly $1 taco lunch at el paraiso today without my coat on. it's making going from -11 to 100+ seem not quite as debilitating.

peace and patience to all.

MIA

due to technical difficulties. my almost 6-year-old iBook is still perfectly functioning with the exception of some power issues. i've discovered a temporary fix, so i'll be back with some regularity (not to be confused for normalcy) soon.

in other news, i drove to work in -11 degrees this morning. my car hates mornings almost as much as i do.

in five weeks, i'll be boarding a 14-hour flight to abu dhabi, then on to chennai. it's what's keeping me going these days. that, and my heated car seat.

in case you missed it... enjoy.

simulating India

throwing the schedule out the window. check.
transportation issues. check.
sleep deprivation. check.
extreme temperatures. check.
sprinting while trying not to trip over luggage or own feet. check.

lots of team bonding. check.
serving people. check.
experiencing God's presence. check.
learning more about myself and my teammates. check.
more love for India. check.

thanks to my March 2011 teammates, that pretty much sums up the weekend. Kalavai, here we come.

fleeting.

but sincere.

some thoughts.

wish i knew more spanish.
wish fall could last all year.
think an espresso i.v. can't be invented quickly enough. but would miss the taste.
just rediscovered the joys of knee-high socks.
really don't know how that stuff grew in the bottom of my fridge.
have come close to eating my weight's worth in chips and salsa on many occasions.
don't understand how anyone gets excited about baseball. or golf. or running a marathon.
think everyone needs to learn the universal language of sarcasm. pretty sure that's the key to accomplishing world peace.
have one eyebrow that likes to do yoga, specifically in response to the male gender.
love tea but not that permanent ring it leaves in my mug.
think i look pregnant in most of my clothes but don't really care cuz they're comfy.
wish the world smiled more.
am going to sleep.

still listening

Is each wound you've received just a burdensome gift
It gets so hard to lift yourself up off the ground
But the poet says we must praise a mutilated world
We're all working the graveyard shift
You might as well sing along

Cause all my favorite people are broken
Believe me my heart should know
As for your tender heart this world's going to rip it wide open
It ain't gonna be pretty but you're not alone

***

Well it's hard to belong to a girl or a psalm
In the case of a selfish believer,
It's strange to be lost, stranger still to belong
On the strings in a twisting line

And when the path I have made
From the grass to the grave,
I will love you still.
And when the sand turns to glass
And all that's left is the past
And I will love you still.

life under scrutiny

i was in a complete funk last night, until i stopped thinking about that fact so much. when i started paying attention to more important things, this is what i heard:

Romans 5:1 - Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

i've had these verses memorized since middle school. at some point, i chose them as my "life" verses. i guess that's because as children of God, all followers should live these truths out. or maybe it's simply the fact that we can.

maybe i'd forgotten. or maybe i just didn't care for awhile. but i got a gentle reminder that i should. and in taking on those truths, i got rid of a whole bunch of heavier stuff. simple.

mark zuckerberg snark = josh lyman snark.

upon viewing "the social network" for the first time since its original appearance in theaters, i was pleasantly surprised to find that i enjoyed it just as much, if not more, the second time around.

god bless aaron sorkin.

***

had another team meeting tonight in preparation for my india trip. two months seems like forever. that means i can put off getting my booster shots awhile longer, right? not looking forward to grapefruit-sized lumps on my arms.

i am, however, looking forward to serving communion in a couple of weeks with the team. and celebrating st. patrick's day with a 14-hour plane trip over an ocean...

immeasurably more.

i've been living ephesians 3:20 as i prepare for my third trip to southern india in march.

today, i got yet another dose. someone gave a large sum of money toward my trip, the day before half our funds are due. i definitely have had more than a fair share of generosity shown toward me in recent years. it starts with my parents, who support me in many more ways than financially, but have always used their abundance to bless others. it continues with my sister and brother-in-law, who have next to nothing but know exactly how much being a part of the work in india means to me and know its effects firsthand. and then there are the countless friends, far and near, who are either convinced that supporting me is a wise investment - or simply (and more likely) see what God is doing and can't help but want to be a part of it, too. seeing their passion and excitement for this is unbelievable and speaks to the character of their hearts.

I AM OVERWHELMINGLY BLESSED by all of you.